


Cold.

by connn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Death, Flashbacks, Hanging, Heartbreak, Larry Johnson - Freeform, Lots Of Sad, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Sally Face - Freeform, Suicide, Treebros, Trees, con kinda died, dear evan hansen - Freeform, evan is sad, sad boy, sal fisher - Freeform, sally face references, theyre probably just friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 07:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17556182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connn/pseuds/connn
Summary: Connor sends Evan chilling messages and Evan becomes concerned.TW!!!: Suicide





	Cold.

_I'm sorry, Evan._

I read it from my off brand little smart phone. A message from Connor. It confused me, what did he mean by that? He hadn't done anything wrong. Actually, he had made me pretty happy today. 

_What do you mean? You haven't done anything wrong._

I wrote back, watching as the "read at 6:48 pm" thing popped up at the bottom of the screen, then the little chat bubble pop up telling me he was typing. Now that I think of it, it was concerning me a little. Connor said sorry randomly most times because he felt as if he was the one to blame in every situation. Zoe and Jared experienced it too, but we all knew he was still working on everything in his life and knew things were hard for him.

_Please don't blame yourself._

..Huh?

_Connor what do you mean? Are you okay?_

_Connor?_

_Con??_

It had barely been two minutes, I was getting impatient. I pulled up his contact on my phone and called it instantly. I hope he's okay. God damn it what the hell was happening? Why isn't he answering damn it?

**_Riiiinngg_ **

The phone went, telling me it was calling his phone. 

**_Riiiinngg_ **

..Still no answer.

**_Riiinngg_ **

"Come on.." 

I felt the tears in my eyes forming. Fuck. No. He was okay, he's getting better. 

**_Riiinngg_ **

"Pick up the phone, Connor.."

The anxiety started raising in my chest, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. 

_"We're sorry, the person you have called can't come to the ph-"_

I hung up and threw my phone onto the floor. I don't care if it broke, I don't care if my mom would be on my ass about it all month and force me to somehow get the money to pay for another one. I don't care about the jacket on my floor I wanted to put on before I rushed out the door and outside or the tears streaming down my face. All I cared about was getting to him on time. I couldn't let this happen. No. I wasn't going to. 

I ran out into the pouring rain, not caring about shutting the door behind me or the fact that with every quick step I took I only got even more wet by the water on the sidewalks and in the streets. 

I choked out a sob before wiping my eyes and continuing to sprint to the other boy's apartment. It took me about 5 minutes to get there, he was just down the street thankfully. I forced the door open even if it usually was easy to open anyways and started panting way too heavily. I didn't waste a second and ran into his room. He wasn't there. Oh..but the window was open..

I looked down it, nothing there so I hopped out and back into the pouring rain. Thankfully Connor's window wasn't at all far from the ground. I forced myself to think. Think! Come on!! Where would he go? Why couldn't I think like him? I felt the darkness start caving in on me. I couldn't take this. My brain was overworking itself, but I was willing to put up with anything at this point. I can't let him go. Not now. He was okay, he had to be okay.

The tree. 

The damn tree. 

I thought back to the tree Connor told me about. The one we hung out and slept by so many times. The one he and Zoe grew when they were just kids. 

That had to be it. 

My knees felt weak, but I didn't care. I was running to that damn tree and I wasn't gonna stop until I found my Connor. I couldn't stop but I felt so sick, the disgusting metallic taste starting to form in my mouth because of how much I had been running.  

Just up the hill. 

Was I too late? Was he okay? My heart was beating faster than ever. Connor had been my best friend since what seemed like forever. I met him in just 9th grade, and we were only a year away from graduation. He meant a lot to me no matter how harsh he was sometimes. He was my first real best friend. 

And there he was right in front of me. 

A noose around his neck and his body hung lifeless. I just stood and looked. 

"Connor.."

The tears were coming faster now. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop anything could I?

Was I really that pathetic?..

"..No. No no NO!" I choked out another sob and screamed as I fell to my knees. Why?! What went wrong?! I thought he was getting better! 

"Connor..please. Please tell me this is all one of your stupid fucking jokes.." I clenched my teeth together and stared up at his face. He was soaked. Pale. Lifeless. 

It brought me back to last winter. We built a snow fort and sat inside and drank hot chocolate in the back yard. Connor had decided to put a fake mouse inside it and it scared me so badly I actually broke the door to the fort and made it all crash down on us. Neither of us were hurt, it was really funny though. Connor was always good with jokes and pranks no matter how much he denied it. He wasn't as bad as everyone viewed him, he was just lonely. He was a human too.

My eyes traveled down to his hands. They were dark purple, almost the same as his neck. It was just earlier we were texting about the next time we should build a fort and maybe even snowmen guards for it. It sounds childish but that's who we were and what we enjoyed doing. 

"Connor I'm sorry..I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.." I put my head down to face the ground again before slamming down on it with a tight fist. I cried out and stared back up at him. His eyes were always so beautiful even if he got insecure about his heterochromia, I would always be there to remind him how gorgeous he was. Connor was a true beauty. His long hair fit him perfectly and so did his personality. He had little flaws that were understandable, but even those were okay with Evan because he understood the struggle. Now his eyes were grey and red, filled with sadness. They were just as lifeless as the rest of his body was. It hurt Evan to look at him like that..

"Connor..you..."

I finally got the strength to get up and wipe my eyes, that didn't stop even more tears to slide down my face though.

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave us?! Why?!" I screamed at him and clenched my teeth shut again, I was furious and upset. How could he do this to me? To his parents and to Zoe?

"I..I can't believe you're really gone.." My anger started to dial down and I felt sick to my stomach again. All the good times we had together, our stupid friend group hanging out all the time, all of it seemed like it was getting washed away. 

"Why would you do this to me, Connor?.." I moved my hand up to push his hair behind his ear. 

 

_"C-connor!" I laughed at the stupid boy with ice cream now covering his face. Literally covering. It was all over the place, his cheeks, forehead, mouth, even the black t-shirt he was wearing._

_"It was an accident!" He joined me in laugher and I questioned him how this could somehow be an accident._

_"It just looks like you put your entire f-face in the ice cream container!"_

_"Maybe I did!" He smiled proudly and placed a hand on his hip, licking what he could off his lips._

_"Then you're stupid." I joked and smiled, pushing the little bit of hair in his face behind his ear. Thankfully the rest was in a cute man bun he could pull off maybe too well. "You're gonna get it in you're hair so don't do it again!"_

_"Ha, no promises." He rubbed my head. His hands were warm and soft, so I didn't care if he messed up my hair, it was all worth it if we were having fun._

 

I smiled at the little memory as tears continued falling from my eyes. I slid my hand down to his face, then to his hand. It was cold and wet..not how I remembered. 

A little noise from the tree got my attention. I looked over to it and saw a little baggy laying against the tree, a note inside. I let out a shaky sigh and grabbed the bag quickly, opening it and then the note. 

..oh.

_"Dear, Evan Hansen,_

_I'm so sorry, Evan. I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't win this war no matter how many times I fought against it. I'm so happy I had met you, without you I wouldn't have even gotten the chance to say I made it to be a Junior in high school. I couldn't have asked for a better best friend, Evan. You're amazing. I'm sorry I couldn't be. You walking into my life was one of the best things thats ever happened to me. I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore, but please just do me one more favor. I know I don't deserve it at this point, but please. Keep fighting the darkness. The world needs you to be in it and without you we're all doomed. You are so important, Evan. I'm sorry I couldn't be as strong as you. Keep going no matter how hard things get. And graduate high school, graduate college, live your life to the fullest. And please, take care of Zoe. How about this winter you come out here and make us that fort again? The one with the snow guards this time? I'll be there even if it wont seem like it. I'll always be there. I gotta go now. Everything is caving in and the voices just keep getting louder. I can’t handle this anymore. They’re gonna end up driving me insane, Evan. I can’t do it. Its time for me to go. I'm so sorry. I love you, Evan. Always. See you on the other side.  -Connor."_

I tried so hard to smile through it. I couldn't help but to look up at Connor. No matter how much I ignored it, after that I really felt something there. It got a lot colder, but a lot more comforting. 

I put the note back in the bag and put it in my pocket after, sniffling and letting out a little scoff before taking one last glance at Connor's face. 

He's really gone..

I wiped my eyes and put my head down, holding myself back from breaking into a sobbing fit again.

"..I'm sorry, Connor..I'll try harder next time." 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy pls


End file.
